Gains and Losses

Growing up with immigrant parents, there was always the sense of frustration that my non-Croatian friends couldn’t relate to.  Why can’t I stay out as late as my “American” friends, why can’t I go away with my friends for prom weekend, why can’t I have a boyfriend.  My narcisstic, teenage self  was generally annoyed at any comment or act made by my parents that was related to their cultural status.

A recent conversation with a Polish-American former co-worker made me think back to my selfish reactions and outbursts towards my parents. We discussed the difficulties our parents had faced as immigrants to a foreign culture. That conversation led me to think about what had my parents gained and lost once they made the decision to settle their family in the United States.

While living in the States, my parents had gained the opportunity to become bilingual and be able to pass on this foreign language to have their children become bilingual.  As my sisters and I married and make plans to have children, the ability to speak the language of my parents tongue becomes more difficult to pass on. My younger sister and I both married non-Croatians and although they are both very supportive in our need to teach our children Croatian, my sister and I are not native speakers and English will be their dominant language.  So, as our children have children, the transfer of language will be less likely to occur, hence the less likely they are to feel the Croatian culture present in their everyday lives.

Which leads me to the cultural loss my parents face, as much as they try to keep control of it in our lives.  As mentioned in my previous post about faith and culture, the Croatian Catholic church I attended growing up is the main way my family and other Croatians have been able to preserve their Croatian roots.  This is where they would find out the gossip within the community, be able to share news from the villages they left, get word when a Croatian singer was coming to perform and take part in collecting money for charities in their homeland.   As the cultural offspring, I try to learn how to prepare the cultural foods, speak the language and keep in touch with my Croatian family and friends, but trying to preserve my parent’s desires of full immersion is unattainable as I have become fully immersed within the dominant culture. 

As the culture continues to slowly fade with each generation, part of the lack of cultural identity lies in the inaccessibility of having close relationships with my extended family.  My parents came here knowing that their relationships with their parents and siblings would shift. I’m not sure if they realized the extent.  My parents didn’t visit our family in Croatia very much and relied on letters and expensive phone calls to keep in contact, which had placed them as outsiders among their immediate family members.  Basically, any and all communication with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were always very happy and respectful. Making close bonds and getting to really know the person was very difficult because we were always just so thrilled to see everyone. Plus, it is very difficult to express yourself when communicating in my non-native tongue.

On the other hand, my parents have gained so much. Mostly, the ability to provide their family a middle class lifestyle that would have been unachievable in their homeland. My parents have seen their parents and siblings financially struggle, and still do, and like most immigrants, have been able to send money to help ease some of those difficulties.  They have also gained the opportunity to move back to their homeland through their U.S. retirement and pensions to live out their retirement dreams comfortably. 

So, are their lives better or worse based on these gains and losses? I guess it depends what is viewed as more important.  I personally am glad and feel blessed to have been raised in the U.S. and have the opportunity to speak two languages and be part of a distinct culture that I see has been lost among many of my friends. 

All content © Marija Jurcevic